The Scores on the Doors

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The Scores on the Doors

I’ve been rather busy in my new role as wannabe satirist, so I thought I’d take a moment to take stock and reflect on my first week’s attempts at hard-hitting social commentary. So far, so discouraging. As previously mentioned I’ve been submitting items to the fake news website NewsBiscuit. The way it works is that you post something onto their submissions board and “regular NewsBiscuit readers can read and rate the stories for inclusion on the main pages.” Well, so far three of my efforts made it into the Top 10 but sadly didn’t stay there for too long. Submissions are rated on a scale of 1-to-10 and the overall scoring system works out an average score. Here’s Tom Lennon’s current Top Ten in descending order:

[And I mean descending in every sense of the word.]

1. Musical Discord as Bank of England offers lifeline to Northern Soul [7.99]
2. Burmese Troops attacking Buddhist Monks accused of “Zenophobia” [7.99]
3. No More Sister Nice Guy. [7.94]
4. TV’s Captain Kirk unveils new ShatNav [7.74]
5. Zap! Pow! You broke my nose! [5.23]
6. Following complaints, Sir Elton removes his Back-Catalogue from Record Stores [5.18]
7. Boris Johnson insists: “I am NOT Warhol’s Love-Child.” [4.82]
8. Language experts claim that “There’s a fine line between II and H” [4.56]
9. Brown to Unveil ‘Cabinet of the Namesakes’, claims Chief Vet Debby Reynolds [4.15]

And last [but in every sense] least:

10. Lara Croft, Solid Snake and Pac-Man deny PS3-some claims [3.98]

To be fair, not all of the above are full submissions; some are just catchy headlines [at least I like to think they’re catchy headlines]. I’m not that prolific.

Now I wouldn’t dream of encouraging any of you to click on any of the above links and give me a high score. That would probably be unethical, of course. Of course.

Besides, we all know in our heart-of-hearts that vote-rigging never pays.

Outside of Florida, that is.


About the Author:

My name is Tom Lennon and I'm a freelance writer who specialises in humour at the geekier end of the pop culture spectrum. I'm based in Birmingham, UK, and my work has recently appeared in BuzzFeed and Time Out.

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