My Latest Stuff
I'll be doing stand-up comedy at the Mac Birmingham Stand-up Comedy Showcase, Friday 18th July 2014.
A gripping scene that probably won't appear in the new Batman v Superman movie...
Twolysses - the sequel to James Joyce's Ulysses. Contains low humour.
Man Booker Prize-nominated Will Self takes writing lessons from Dan Brown. Contains cheap humour.
My Twitter Nonsense
When satellites die do they get an orbituary?
William Pitt Was Really Nothing #18thCenturyMorrissey
Facebook announce new ‘Gee, I didn’t realise you were such a bigoted tosser’ button
This guy comes up to me – all skinny-fit cords and his dad’s NHS glasses – name-checking the 3:15 at Newmarket. F* cking tipsters.
Was up late watching a triple-bill of Hulk, Brokeback Mountain and Life of Pi. Now I’ve got a stinking Angover
My favourite Thomas de Quincey classic is’Ye worlde of Forensik Medicin’
I’m surprised no one’s opened an app dancing club
TripAdvisor rates the Hotel California ‘Lovely place, lovely place’
Insider claims NSA whistleblower ‘can’t whistle’
Movie Pitch: Star Wars/Man from U.N.C.L.E crossover starring the Solo Brothers
Abbreviating latin phrases is my M.O.
UK-filmed Star Wars sequels to feature Jedi Knights grumbling about weather, queues
‘Nigel Farage’ is an anagram of ‘Fringe Algae’
I was introduced to the concept of ‘critical mass’ by a sarcastic priest
I neither believe nor disbelieve in the existence of vampires. I’m ‘agnosferatu’.
If Noddy Holder fell in the middle of a forest and nobody was there to hear him would he still feel the noize?
Conspiracy theorists claim that Sting and The Police ‘faked’ walking on the moon
The BBFC should introduce a Certificate 40: ‘May contain scenes of mid-life ennui and grocery shopping’
Never forget those wise words of Uncle Ben: ‘With great power comes great boil-in-the-bag rice’
What do you call an existentialist cow? ‘Camoo’
Movie Pitch: GUYS’ DAY OUT: Guy Ritchie, Guy Pearce and Elbow’s Guy Garvey travel to Guyana to watch Buddy Guy. Hilarity ensues.
While moving house I once found a feng shui kit I’d lost under the clutter
Saw Lara Croft at Greggs again. I’m worried about her. She’s gone all pixelly.
I was a failed Police Sketch Artist – could never quite capture Sting’s smugness.
Uproar in US following claims Daniel Day Lewis “only pretended to be Lincoln”
Xenuphobic, n. An irrational fear of people who have an irrational fear of psychiatry #neologism
I’d never cut off my nose to spite my face – my glasses wouldn’t stay up
In danger of being snowed-in at work. Just saw Liam Neeson in the car park punching a wolf
At Loco Lounge & I’ve just explained to Edie (3) what all the different chess pieces do. She shouts “Pawn!” & I get disapproving looks
I might write a bittersweet tale of Star Trek-obsessed kid growing up in 70s Northern Ireland. I’ll call it ‘The Tribble with the Troubles’
Osborne announces Tweet allowance cut back to 60 chara
Ironically, the original Amazons were fierce female warriors who sold books AND paid tax
TripAdvisor rated this corral ‘OK’ #WildWestProblems
Skyfall, like every other Bond film, takes place on a Bank Holiday Monday
The phone rang, I bolted across the room and tripped over daughter’s toy pushchair. It was a recorded message from an accident claims firm
Have just noticed that Pete Townsend has a really enormous nose. Had previously thought that the rest of his head was tiny
Each living soul is a vast engine of infinite possibility. Except for the tossers.
Nick Clegg under fire from bigots following “Bigots are touchy” remark
CERN scientists finally prove that Wagon Wheels are still the same size, your hands have grown
Apple faces $1 Billion lawsuit from Granny Smith
UK Government announce plans to sell reconditioned 1970s NHS specs to “gullible overseas hipsters”
There’s no “I” in “Team”; There’s no “F” in “Chance”