I’ll keep this brief for two reasons. Firstly, I think there comes a time when a man has to exercise some measure of self-discipline over certain aspects of his life. For instance, on occasion I’ve been prone to acts of wanton gibberish, blarney-fuelled blather and tangential excess. My friends claim I talk out of my hat, my family say I can talk the hind legs off a donkey, and donkeys say I’m a pioneer in pain-free amputation. I’ve never understood donkeys. In any case, I can accept this. However, by taking a deep breath, centering myself and aligning my various chakra points I’ve learned to channel these energies, direct my focus and overcome these habituated response patterns. Where once I had an infinite capacity to talk endlessly about absolutely nothing, I now communicate with the kind of succinct, razor-like precision and a prudent economy of words that would make Clint Eastwood sound like Boris Johnson, or a ninja seem chatty.

The second reason I’m keeping this brief is because I’m supposed to be flying to Glasgow tomorrow and I haven’t started packing yet. Shit.

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