Bank Bailout Scheme “To Be Extended To Riverbanks”

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Bank Bailout Scheme “To Be Extended To Riverbanks”

Fot the first time in ages, I’ve submitted something to the satirical website Newsbiscuit. Here it is:

Financial markets were in turmoil this morning following news that the British government will soon be extending their momentous £500bn bank rescue package to include ailing riverbanks. This comes in the wake of the Irish Government’s controversial decision to prop up the banks of the River Liffey

The news sent shockwaves through the financial markets both here and abroad. Following the announcement, the FTSE 100 share index plunged by a staggering 20%, setting a new record as its largest inter-day drop since Tuesday lunchtime. Transactions were suspended throughout many of Europe’s derivative exchanges as “absolutely bloody gob-smacked” Futures Traders were forced to spend much of the morning frantically rewriting history.

According to waterways campaigner Canal Phoenix, Britain’s riverbanks had been hit particularly hard by the credit crunch. “High Street banks aren’t the only victims in all of this,” claims Phoenix. “Thanks to global warming, there’s just not as much water out there as there used to be. Britain’s riverbanks are facing an unprecedented liquidity crisis.”

“Industrial pollution has always been a problem for our riverbanks,” claims Phoenix. “Over the last year, though, we’ve seen a dramatic increase in the number of toxic assets. You should see how many dead cats, used prophylactics and broken bicycle parts we’ve dredged up.”

A global collapse of the riverbank sector will have a devastating knock-on affect for other industries. “Riverside taverns, fishermen’s pubs and boat hire firms will all be affected,” claims Phoenix. “The sub-prime mortgage crisis has really hit property development along popular riverside locations. You have to remember, in this part of the world ‘sub’ usually means ‘underwater’”.

Opposition politicians, however, were quick to condemn the bailout. Jodie Marshland, Shadow spokeswoman for Riverbanks, Tow paths and Global Financial Catastrophes said: “While we sympathise with the nation’s riverbanks, throwing taxpayer’s money at this problem is no solution. If you ask me, the prime minister has behaved like a bit of a riverdunce.”

“This reckless policy decision has set a dangerous precedent. It has, quite literally, opened the floodgates. Where will it stop? What other bank-related institutions will British tax payers be bailing out next? Will we be offering emergency financial assistance to Jodrell Bank? To sperm banks? To England footballing legend Gordon Banks?”

Phoenix, though, is adamant. “Action has to be taken now. Nobody wants to see a run on the banks, but a run on the riverbanks can be far more dangerous. It can be very slippery and can result in drowning. You should always walk at a leisurely pace.”

In a related development, many of the world’s great rivers are currently involved in merger talks with former rivals. The US Mississippi has confirmed that it is in advanced talks with the Latin American Amazon which could lead to the creation of the world’s first super megariver, which will be known as the Ms. Ippi.


About the Author:

My name is Tom Lennon and I'm a freelance writer who specialises in humour at the geekier end of the pop culture spectrum. I'm based in Birmingham, UK, and my work has recently appeared in BuzzFeed and Time Out.

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