Home » Posts » Uncategorized » De-petitioned

The UK government’s new e-petition website has been in the news a lot this week. For one thing, it’s been crashing a lot. I imagine there’s already an e-petition urging e-petitions to invest in better servers.

A lot of the e-petitions that have featured in the news are the predictable outpourings of the rabid reactionary forces we all know and love.  I was in a bit of a mischievous mood today and had a few minutes to spare, so I decided to engage in the democratic process and submit an e-petition of my own:

We strongly urge the government to ignore all online petitions (including this one)

We urge the government to resist the collective brainwrong of blood-lusty paranoids whose political views often share the same postcode as those of Genghis Khan.

Remember the former-Soviet principality of Gertrudestein?  President Zeppo Connery (a former Politburo Chief who trimmed his eyebrows as a concession to Glasnost) was so eager to appease irate petitioners that he outlawed certain types of lederhosen and unveiled a new national flag depicting a gingham napkin set against a turquoise backdrop. While there was some popular support for tighter lederhosen controls, the masses were violently opposed to the napkin’s prominence in the new flag, especially as the traditional national symbol was the serviette. Before long the nation was in the grip of a civil war as mobs took to the streets, the streets took to the hills and the hills fled to the border.

The situation was finally resolved then rebel forces submitted a petition to government forces demanding their surrender.

Sadly, my e-petition was rejected.


About the Author:

My name is Tom Lennon and I'm a freelance writer who specialises in humour at the geekier end of the pop culture spectrum. I'm based in Birmingham, UK, and my work has recently appeared in BuzzFeed and Time Out.

Leave A Comment